i wanna move. out of this country. away from all these people who bring back so many memories and arouse so many feelings. i wanna move away with baby L and live alone. in a small apartment with a single bed, a fan, a washing machine, a fridge, a bathroom and a small radio.

hollow. the feeling. its indescribable.
lost
broken
searching with hopelessness.

i think it's time to let go. let go of it all.

i saw tiny baby shoes today. they made me smile. but i didn't smile for long because i remembered i don't have anyone to share that joy with. i may never have anyone..
these thoughts make me wanna cry.

teary eyed, i sit here hanging on by the last thread.
I'm tired. and my fingers bleed. my heart and mind cant take much more.

i wanna feel safe once more. i want to feel loved.

Sathish shawn? i was kidding myself. yes, he has some of what i wanted in a man. the whole bad boy thing. the body, height, strength. and he wasn't some uneducated indian either. honors, stable job. savings. he has it..
but not My 'It'.
Mark? no no. I'm not going back there. the soft spot for him wont fade i think. but i cant spoil my life further. he's no good for me. he loves me yes. and he is capable of loving Letisha but his family.. i wont be able to control my temper or shut my mouth for very long if i married him.
Maniraj? he's someone i should have never let go. He's good for me. He would love L like his own. he Loved me. He Truly Loved me.
but i ruined it. and i think of trying to fix it, fix the brokenness.. but i don't know how. i don't even know how to try. i keep thinking i cant put him through that. i cant look his mum in the eye and say forgive me for breaking his heart. i cant face his dad and say I'm sorry...
there is no other guy. yet? maybe.. i don't know.
where are my friends in all this you may ask..
(you? if there is anyone.. but doesn't matter. i need not the pity or judgements.)
they left me. my best friends left me because i was too much trouble. and i hurt them. i hurt her. the both of them.

lost my job,best friends,"boyfriend".
all at the same time.
nice "life" i have here.

that's the reason i want to let go.
Work, earn money, baby.
think of my future?
future was getting married, buying a house, moving in. life was gonna be work,family,home.
just like my mummy.

i laugh to myself now. cuz it's never gonna happen.
I'm 22. i have no savings. career, I'm a fucking waitress. what happened to being a chef, working in a 5 star hotel? its all fucked. I'm a fucking waitress.
where is that gonna get me? i could have been a full time model. i could have been flying full time. i could have climbed in the kitchen line. look at where "love" has gotten me?
yes, all the mistakes i made, i wanted to make them. i chose to make them. i thought it was fun. fuck me and my stupid thoughts. stupid brain, stupid heart.

who is gonna wanna marry a waitress with a history like mine? i have a kid. that's another PLUS point.
hah!
might as well i top it off by doing drugs and getting some kind of STD.

Fuckmylife.
people say that so easily.. but really, look at me.
tell me i have hope?

You've been on my mind, I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forget your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind, you hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forget your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy giving up your heart

Nobody's perfect
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart)
Trust me, I've learned it

Nobody's perfect
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart)
Trust me, I've learned it

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

Come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

I came across someone. Someone i spent my life looking forward to meet. Someone I've dreamt of. He didn't have a face then. But just the feeling of him being around, his presence, his vibes. Just that completed me.
I've never met him. Nor have i heard his voice. But i feel that complete feeling when he's around.
unfortunately, I have to shut my mouth, seal off my heart and put on a friendly smile.
Being just a no body means something. It means your not needed, wanted nor are you thought of unless there is nothing else to do.

Bali, Bali was supposed to be My get away. My chance to have serenity. And i chose to share it with someone. Someone who meant a lot to me. She however didn't see that. She didn't know how much I wanted that time. If I could I'd have opted to go alone. just for the Peace. Bali. i wanted to have my honeymoon in Bali. Now, she's taken that chance of a life time from me.

Why? Ive asked God why so many times. And Ive thought of every possible reason why. Karma? I've don't nothing of the sort to anyone. because i took my best friends for granted? maybe so. but Ive already lost them.

i don't want to get into it again. that's far enough.

i have to let go. let go of it all. Start over. on my own. and pick no one up along the way.
Solo.
from now, till the end.

it's my off day today. my job kinda sucks now, i spend everyday at work doing nothing. at all. absolutely nothing. for 8-9 hours, I'm just standing in the lobby. doing nothing. it's fucked up. Very very fucked up.

Yesterday i was so bored i started to write. to no one. just pen my feelings on the "to do list' pad. it turned out to be a letter to someone.. anyone. i think i left it in my apron pocket though.. haha! oops...

been feeling blue for the past few days.. ever since Kiat's birthday actually. seeing him and Celia like that. talking to them about stuff made me feel really crappy about myself. like i don't deserve a guy who treats me like he treats her. i miss having fights and stuff because it still means that there is something there. right now all i have is mark who isn't there a lot of the time and when he is, he doesn't give two hoots about me or my feelings or anything. I've given up on love. but, i still hope sometimes. i wish there was a guy who could accept me for me and Letisha and my family. and his family wouldn't give me such a hard time. that's important too you know.. family is a big part or relationships.

I've been listening to It Will Rain -Bruno Mars on the loop since three days ago. makes me wish id find someone like that some day. i know its a song and its meant to make people feel like crap about their lives but seriously, i cant help it...

All my life I've been looking for true love. now, I've given up. and it hurts. it really hurts to know that I'm never gonna find someone who truly loves me anymore. there is no more hope. who could love me? after everything I've done. all the guys I've been with. after having a kid. who would want this? sometimes i really feel like killing myself. but then i think of her.. and i cant.. i wanna see her grow up. although it hurts so so bad. i know I'm a terrible mother. and daughter and sister. i try to be a good friend... to people who are worth it now..

how the hell did i become like this? i used to be such good girl. you know those kids you see who are like really shy and don't talk to people much but always smile? i was one of those..
what happened to me?

Three weeks to go! Awesome!

Still got boxes of stuff in my room that i have no idea where to keep.
Still haven't gotten the cot installed.
Still haven't washed any clothes or toys.
Still haven't packed my bag.
Still not don't clearing the room.
Still haven't bought everything.
Still haven't saved enough money.


what if i turn out to be a horrible mother?

the only consolation is that i can't possibly be worst that her father.

i wanna hold your hand again.
i wanna lean back when you put your arm out on my chair.
i wanna put my hand on your leg and leave it there.
i want you to play with my hair.
i want you to put your arms around me.
i want you to kiss me when we meet and before you leave.

i thought i heard you call me baby gerl like you used to.
i guess i heard wrong.

But it's my fault.
It's my fault.
It's my fault we can't be one again.
It's my fault.
it's my fault.

Although i know your the only one who could love her like she was yours.
I can't do that to you.

It's My Fault.

Home today. two days off. i think I've played my days off pretty smart lately. It's easier now cuz my boss isn't such a toot... he's super nice and he's so good at what he does. RESPECT!

my goodness! i can't believe how much my body has changed.. it's so sad!
i know I'll shrink after i deliver but I'm scared my boobs wont go back to normal... i miss my original size!! now I'm like two times bigger and way way heavier.. and i feel so uncomfortable!
And the stretch marks! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!
most pregnant people are afraid of getting stretch marks on their tummies and stuff.. but mine?? i didn't even have the chance to try to prevent them! it's so unfair!!!
my body was so nice before... Although at that time i thought i was big size and all, now i realise that i was kinda hot... now I'm just a fat pregnant woman with majorly major ugly stretch marks on her boobs! FML!!!
i can say goodbye to ever wearing a bikini again in my life... and 90% of my old tops will have to go i guess cuz they are all kinda low... eh, i used to have a hot upper body ok?

Anyway, on a different note,
i think I've found the perfect name... but i haven't told anyone yet.
It means Joy.
It's not very common.
and it goes well with the rest of the name.
AWESOME!!!
i haven't decided on the spelling yet though..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

four days we've been texting continuously. it feels so different. i can feel that the love is gone.. Although i wish it wasn't, i think it is...
i used to remember our first kiss and be able to feel how much you must have loved me. but now, i think about it and i remember our first kiss and i think about the way i was feeling.. but i cant feel you anymore...

even if you didn't love me, i still could love you enough for the both of us. but whats the point when our families haven't changed?
i have. because now i know how much you really mean to me. and i know how much a guy like you is worth. too bad i was stupid and didn't grasp it when it wasn't too late. i didn't hold on long enough. i didn't love you hard enough. now i do. but it's no use so i should just put it away.. far far away.

that photo of all of us, it means so much to me now. remembering the way things used to be. looking at all our smiles and what we felt behind the smiles, it was genuine happiness.. it's all gone now, but i cant help but think about it and wish things could have stayed the same.

i know in my heart that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. i know in my heart that you are the only one who could love her like she was yours.
But i also know that it's impossible for us.

- i keep imagining what it would be like to lose everyone one by one. I don't think my heart can take it.